Loss and Emptiness 

“Omg I’m pregnant again!”

After fertility treatment for the past 4 years a 2nd time round I finally got the positive pregnancy tests I longed to see.

1st time round an eptopic pregnancy had me really ill and hospital every day for the whole week I knew I was pregnant. The baby was growing in my tube and so I was referred for an emergency operation. It hurt but the pain I was going through shadowed what was actually happening and I came to accept during my recovery that I was just unlucky this time round.

This time round : I had a really weird taste in my mouth and nothing was ridding the taste, not food, water gum! Nothing! I called my mom and told her and she said your’re pregnant, I was like yeh but my period is due any day now. She suggested I do a test asap so I did one when I got home.

Sure enough and 2 more tests later I was pregnant, I told my other half and he wasn’t as excited as I was, (he’s just like that bless him!) but yeh here we were pregnant again….

I was calm, booked in at hospital and doctors straight away and had all my checks etc…. I was booked in for a 5 week scan in 2 weeks and was so nervous. I cried and prayed hoping the baby was in the right place this time. I had no cramping or bleeding so was positive all was well. Boobs blew up, I had a new thing for water and my sense of smell was a new-found super power I wasn’t enjoying at all. (lol)!

Day of 5 week scan : My nerves were through the roof, it felt like Xmas Eve as a 5-year-old. We went to the hospital and got all checked in blood tests a million and one questions and I received my pregnancy notes (the green booklet for UK moms to be) I felt a bit upset I had it before scan, as I still was trying to accept the fact that I was having a baby.

We went in for the scan and there was a sac in my womb and she zoomed in on a little blob that was flickering and there sure enough was a heartbeat and a little baby in my womb starting to grow where it was meant to me.

My heart was overwhelmed.

We had finally did it, this was our time. She advised that I come back again in a further 2 weeks to see how it had progressed as I measured at 5 weeks although my last period date would have made me 6 weeks. I wasn’t worried at all as the baby was where it was meant to be and its heart was beating so all I needed to do was take it easy.

Fatigue : No one could ever prepare me for the tiredness that being pregnant bought with it but I embraced it all. Falling asleep at my desk on my breaks, in the car, even in the prayer room. I cut back on coffee and believed this was part of the reason I was feeling so rough, so I made sure I was taking all the right vitamins and looking after myself as best I could.

A few close family and friends knew by now, and I sat and read up on my weekly progression – how baby was growing etc.

Fast forward to 7 week scan: we went and the sac had grown and a yolk sac was now present but no baby……..my heart sank!! I decided to stay positive and went straight to the forums which were quite positive in regards to baby hiding and not being able to see the baby with abdominal scans all the time. I was scheduled in to come back in a week. Luckily it was the Xmas break so I wasn’t at work.

In the back of mind I didn’t think my baby was gone or not there no more, I mean I was taking it easy and all my symptoms were there and I had even been sick 3 times this week. Again I didn’t stress took it easy and relaxed. My sister-in-law was going to come to the scan with me so I didn’t stress on the upcoming date.

I was having a baby, I was pregnant and I was going to be fine growing this baby!

Third Scan: The day had come and we went to go have some checks, bloods and the scan, as I said my sis in law was coming to this one as hubby was starting his new job today.

I got on the table nervous, there was the sac, and the circular yolk sac, that looked bigger, but no baby. I asked for a vaginal scan (even though the sonographer seemed a bit insulted by this request) If my baby was hiding I wanted to make sure before I accepted the fact that he was no longer there. We were shown to the counselling room, and there a dark cloud came over me and I had to accept I was no longer going to have this baby.

I can’t explain after the surgical removal the next day, the feelings what consumed my head. The day after I felt like the inside if my head was a construction site. I felt like no one cared, no one understood and I cried, I cried for hours, days, weeks. I cried over songs, stupid things, someone ate my yogurt I cried!! How could I face the world feeling this way, how was I meant to just pick myself up and carry on after this, all I want is to be called Mommy and I nearly had that chance but again it was taken away from me for what ever reason. In the meantime all I could do was heal, put a brave face on and act like everything was ok!?

This was going to be harder than I thought it would be!

I had my baby literally sucked out of me, the pregnancy gone, the hopes, the dreams it was horrible and the more I tried to be brave and carry on the more deflated I felt.


2 thoughts on “Loss and Emptiness 

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